i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
