When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
