you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He felt like a one man threesome
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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