i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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