So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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