If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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