dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's intense
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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