dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
