If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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