Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
