i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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