you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
