"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
