my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
