Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
