my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
