I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
