Got a toothbrush?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
