I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
