She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
