Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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