$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
