he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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