i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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