the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
