everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
