you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I could fuck to npr.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
