The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
