Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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