I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
