My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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