I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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