It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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