your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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