listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
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