so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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