Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
