haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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