I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
