Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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