That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
