Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
