I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
