Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
