Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
