I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
