She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
