I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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