A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
