I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
